The Shame of Addiction

I thought I was immune

There is no way around it, I am an addict.

I’m so lucky I was never addicted to narcotics or alcohol, I saw those things destroy the lives of many of my peers. However for at least 20 years I was hopelessly addicted to tobacco. It was such a painful struggle to give up, I tried multiple times and failed again and again, but eventually, in my late 30’s, I managed to stop.

After that I suppose I assumed I was okay. I’m told myself I was lucky not to have an addictive personality.

Boozing, gambling, drugs, all of them just don’t grab me. I have been to Las Vegas more times than I want to remember and I’ve never had the slightest desire to gamble.

But Twitter/Xhitter, oh dear, what is that all about?

It started off harmlessly enough, I’d post the odd tweet here and there, I’d forget about it for a week, then I’d post a picture of our dog, or our Christmas tree, whatever, and some people responded, but nothing challenging or confrontational.

When we recorded new series of Red Dwarf I’d post pictures of the cast, behind the scenes, all that kind of nonsense.

It was a take it or leave it social media platform, one which suited me as I’d never bothered to use Facebook. I used Twitter to find interesting scientists and researchers, I’d take the first steps getting in touch with companies doing interesting things in the cleantech, electric vehicle and renewable energy space.

It was a brilliant resource, it felt modern, uncluttered, it was easy to use. And again, 99% of the reponses I’d get were positive, supportive, or funny and insightful.

Still no hint of addiction, I didn’t feel compelled to use it, I didn’t think about it when I wasn’t using it which was the vast majority of my waking life.

Then something changed, I’d like to blame it all on the Musk takeover but I don’t think that’s fair, although it’s made it a hell of a lot worse.

Now I’ll post something about an electric car and I get people with 3 followers and a blue tick telling me how wrong I am, and regurgitating the same misinformed bullet points again and again. I’m not going to repeat them here, but you wouldn’t be surprised by any of them.

And like a fool I’d respond, I made the excuse that answering back helped me sharpen my arguments. Initially there may have been a scintilla of truth in that but soon it was just a clenched jawed compulsion. I’d see these same stupid arguments, often couched in the most patronising manner and I’d see red.

I’d type at manic speed, batting back their stupidity and coming up with ever more aggressive responses. When I wasn’t actually using Twitter/Xhitter I’d be thinking of responses I’d make if someone said something that triggered me.

And that is the dangerous beauty of the format, the trolls and bigots, the deliberately ignorant and the plain bullies knew how to trigger someone who uses their real name and has a few extra followers.

You instantly become a target, and because I’ve been in the public eye for a few decades, a lot of men thought they knew me. They would start a message with what they thought was my name, “Bobby, Bobby, Bobby,” (No one ever calls me Bobby) “why are you trying to ram these useless electric cars down our throats etc etc.”

I found it near impossible to ignore them. Of course the really offensive or threatening ones were easier to deal with. Just blocked and never thought of again, but it was the seemingly friendly, chatty, patronising ones which would get through my wall.

So recently I talked to the team at The Fully Charged Show about this and what was even more upsetting as they were aware of my addiction but hadn’t said anything.

They hadn’t ‘intervened’ and dragged me kicking and screaming into rehab. I felt so ashamed and vowed to stop, and I did reduce my interactions, but I didn’t stop, properly stop, until this afternoon.

I deleted X from my phone. That’s it.

I know, who cares? It makes no difference to the wretched place. I’m not throwing the account away though, we are transferring my old Xhitter account to the Fully Charged Show/Everything Electric, and yes, we will pay for a blue tick, but I personally will have no input.

I have different places to hang out and I am determined to avoid any form of online confrontation. I now use Threads and I have a Kryten Xhitter account, but after 16 years of use with the bobbyllew account, I’m over it

I know I will feel a lot better not wasting my time arguing with some frankly ridiculous men on the platform.

Because at the end of the day, if I argue with them, I become one of them.

And let’s face it. If climate change is being caused by human activity, then arguing about it on Xhitter is the definition of an irrelevant waste of time.

And if climate change is totally natural and not being caused by human activity and we should all stop worrying and burn more fossil fuel, then arguing about it on Xhitter is again, the definition of an irrelevant waste of time.

I will keep posting on Substack though, it’s much nicer.